Who do you put as an emergency contact on paperwork? Perhaps your spouse, a parent, a sibling, if you’re Dwight Schrute, maybe your boss. That contact represents the person you most trust to handle things in the event of an emergency. It represents a relationship that is likely very important to you. So,what can you do to maintain a healthy relationship?
Relationships require maintenance. It’s possible that this comes second nature to you and your relationship is well maintained with additional effort. For most of us, it is necessary to consider the needs of our relationships and make an effort to care for someone outside of ourselves. So where do we begin on the quest to manage our closest relationships?
Consider Your Needs
When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, consider your needs. We all have needs and we want those needs met. We have ways of getting our needs met and not all of those ways are healthy. Take some time to consider, “What are my needs?” Surprisingly, most of us have not asked this crucial question and therefore not realized that some things we consider needs, are kind of silly. Let us take validation, a common need. What if you wanted/needed constant validation and you’re putting pressure on your relationships to give you that validation. It’s possible you don’t even realize you’re doing it and you find yourself getting mad that your loved ones aren’t giving you a “thank you” because you changed the toilet paper roll. If you ask yourself that important question and realize that some of your needs can be a little far-reaching, you can then adjust your expectations.
Ways to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
Adjust your expectations. You expect certain things out of a relationship, but it is important to be aware of some unrealistic expectations and make some adjustments. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires communicating your expectations and compromising accordingly.
Meet your needs, by meeting their needs first. Once you know your needs and you’ve possibly adjusted any unrealistic expectations, find out the needs of others. If you work to meet their needs they will want to meet your needs.
Find balance. All things have their opposite and relationships are no different. Sometimes we give and sometimes we take. Sometimes we need to validate other times we simply need to sit and listen.
Human relationships are incredibly complex. If we make the effort to care for and nurture our relationships, we will find life to be more fulfilling shared with others.
Zachary Duty, CSW
Zach Duty is a native Texan and a graduate of Southern Utah University with a bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Recreation. He went on to complete a master’s in social work at the University of Utah with an emphasis in child welfare. As a therapist, Zach has worked in residential treatment and for the state of Utah through the Division of Juvenile Justice.
If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.
You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or applyto our subsidized therapy program.
Everybody struggles. We all face adversity in some form. These are the challenges that shape us and allow us to grow. Without life’s challenges, we would never do anything. In the words of Dory in Finding Nemo when Marlon comments that he doesn’t want to let “anything happen” to his son. “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.” One way we can better face the challenges of life is to take advantage of the benefits of sharing our story.
How Sharing Impacts Mental Health
It is valuable for anyone living with mental health conditions to know that they are not alone. Sharing a story about your mental health journey can be the catalyst to recovery. Sharing your story also helps promote understanding and empathy to those without mental illness. These challenges are necessary for our personal growth and development. Sure, some face more serious challenges than others but we all have struggles.
Unfortunately, with the advent of social media, it looks a bit like… no one has struggles. It looks a lot like everyone’s life is spectacular and ours is the only struggle, completely alone and unable to share because struggles don’t belong on the social media highlight reel. There are of course ways to share your journey with others, and not just that awesome trip you took to Mexico to goes on your social media highlight reel. The Overt Foundation gives everyone the opportunity to share their story on their website.
What are the benefits of sharing?
Sharing can be a powerful and important part of the healing process (Rennick-Egglestone et al., 2019). Research has shown that the benefits of sharing one’s story can include:
increased connectedness
a greater sense of community
increased personal validation and hope
a sense of empowerment
reduced shame
The world we live in has more people than ever before, yet many of us feel isolated. It is now possible to live life with minimal interaction. The communities we once thrived in are disappearing and we no longer know our neighbors. As part of Overt’s program, participants are encouraged to share their stories publicly. If they choose they can share anonymously. This is a key part of the healing process, not only for the participant but for the greater community. Likely, someone will read your story and feel a connection because they are experiencing something similar. All of the sudden, they aren’t the only one, they aren’t alone anymore.
The Benefits of Sharing Your Story Through Journaling
Another valuable benefit of sharing your story can come through the act of journaling. Multiple studies have shown journaling to be effective in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety (2020). Sometimes getting our thoughts out of our heads and onto paper can be incredibly healing. One study showed a significant reduction in depressive symptoms after three days of expressive writing twenty minutes a day (Krpan, et.al, 2013). Journaling gives us the opportunity to release the emotions we have been holding in and keep a more positive mindset.
We will all struggle. This is part of life, but we don’t have to do it alone.
Krpan, K. M., Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Deldin, P. J., Askren, M. K., & Jonides(2013). An everyday activity as a treatment for depression: The benefits of expressive writing for people diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Journal of Affective Disorders, 150, 1148-1151. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2013.05.065
Rennick-Egglestone, S., Ramsay, A., Mcgranahan, R., Llewellyn-Beardsley, J., Hui, A., Pollock, K., . . . Slade, M. (2019). The impact of mental health recovery narratives on recipients experiencing mental health problems: Qualitative analysis and change model. Plos One,14(12). doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0226201
Zachary Duty, CSW
Zach Duty is a native Texan and a graduate of Southern Utah University with a bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Recreation. He went on to complete a master’s in social work at the University of Utah with an emphasis in child welfare. As a therapist, Zach has worked in residential treatment and for the state of Utah through the Division of Juvenile Justice.
If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.
You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or applyto our subsidized therapy program.
“I really want some pogs for Christmas!” This is what I told my parents in 1995. And little did I know this would lead my family to learn an important lesson about debt and mental health. Not only did I get my beloved pogs with a new slammer, but I also got some new rollerblades and a hockey stick. I was thrilled, Mighty Ducks 2 was still fresh on my mind so some new skates were a great way to fulfill my dream of leading the flying V. Sounds like a great Christmas right?
Well it wasn’t as great as it sounds. My folks had to work double-time to come up with the money to put presents under the tree for 6 kids. They even picked up a second job at the mall working a stocking booth trying to make the ends meet. It wasn’t enough and my parents ended up putting the majority of their Christmas purchases on a credit card.
How Debt Can Harm Your Mental Health
As we enter the season of spending you may ask yourself if going a little into the red is worth it. In the name of instant gratification, it may actually be worth it. In the long haul debt will wreak havoc on your mental health.
Initially, debt is great. We get the dopamine hit of purchasing the object of our desires. On Christmas morning, everybody’s happy…no problem right?
Eventually, the end of your credit card statement period comes due and you take a look at the bill. “But hey, the minimum payment is only 35 bucks, I can handle that.” Wrong, most credit cards have an interest rate in the 20% zone, so making the minimum payment will NEVER pay it off…well not never, but it will take a very long time. So now you’re starting to feel the stress of an additional bill every single month. And this is where debt begins to affect your mental health.
Debt Triggers the Stress Response
The initial dopamine hit is long gone and you’re starting to feel a little anxious about making this payment every month. Now you’re getting a Cortisol hit, which is not as fun as dopamine. Cortisol is the stress chemical and it increases the availability of sugar, which is helpful if you’re being attacked by a predator but not so helpful if trying to keep your head above water financially. Cortisol also puts other systems on hold so you can respond to the “fight or flight” situation at hand, only there is no “fight or flight,” just your immune system slowing down because your body thinks it needs to run from a predator.
So how do you behave in this state? The two leading causes of divorce are sex and money, so simply put, you are not very well behaved when facing financial stress. Your stress and anxiety spill over into your most valued relationships and because you can’t pay your bills and you aren’t sleeping well, you may start treating your loved ones poorly. This comes with resentment of those who brought on the issue, blaming your kids or your wife for wanting Christmas gifts even though it was your decision to spend the money. Obviously, this isn’t a perfect example, but you’re beginning to get the picture of the effect debt has on mental health, it can be devastating.
The Long-term Effects of Debt On Mental Health
And I’m not done yet. Those damaged relationships, stress, and anxiety, if not treated can lead to debilitating depression and the feeling that you have completely lost control of your life. Or not having what you feel everyone else has could lead to feelings of shame and embarrassment. People who feel shame tend to hide and avoid relationships so no one can point out their mistakes. The mental health concerns list goes on, and I’m not even going to get into how mental health struggles lead to physical health problems.
Suffice it to say, there is a domino effect of negativity on your mental health set off by overspending. I witnessed some of these struggles as a child when my parents had to dig their way out of debt. It took years but they did it. The funny thing is, I would have been happy with just the pogs. A gift of a couple of bucks. Most of the people on your gift list feel the same way; a small heartfelt gift is as good as a pile of money or some new rollerblades. If they don’t, maybe they don’t deserve a place on your gift list.
All of the negative effects I’ve noted can be avoided if you live within your means. When the bank account gets to zero, that’s it, no more spending. Avoid experiencing firsthand how debt affects mental health. Make a budget, keep track and keep yourself healthy during this holiday season.
Zachary Duty, CSW
Zach Duty is a native Texan and a graduate of Southern Utah University with a bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Recreation. He went on to complete a master’s in social work at the University of Utah with an emphasis in child welfare. As a therapist, Zach has worked in residential treatment and for the state of Utah through the Division of Juvenile Justice.
If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.
You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or applyto our subsidized therapy program.
Before addressing attachment trauma and its signs we must acknowledge that life is built on relationships. Without relationships, it is difficult to find meaning and motivation in our daily activities and work towards major goals. Relationships with secure attachments give meaning and add value to our lives. Luckily we are born with a mother and father who love and nurture the first relationship of our lives. This builds trust and establishes a comfortable and safe place to return when a child is fearful or unsure of a situation. Children often run back to the safety of their mother or father’s arms when faced with a new and unsure situation.
We draw on this attachment experience with our parents throughout our lives as we do our best to navigate new relationships with friends and partners.
The Causes and Consequences of Attachment Trauma
In a healthy relationship environment secure attachment comes naturally. Unfortunately, many children seek a secure attachment with their parents and are met with discomfort in the form of neglect and abuse. Trauma is our response to a negative event in which we feel trapped, hurt physically, or hurt mentally and emotionally. This can occur in the form of an accident, natural disaster, or abuse.
These negative events are traumatic for the child. The failure to build a secure attachment with parents can lead to a lifelong struggle with relationships. This attachment trauma can also occur in an older child in a variety of relationships. The most common is likely divorce. Not all divorces are created equal, some parents separate and do an excellent job of continuing to show their children trust and love, despite their separation. Other divorces are not as civil and often leave the child feeling alone and full of mistrust. Attachment trauma is most common among children who spend time in the foster care system but can occur with the loss of a parent or meaningful relationship.
Someone who has experienced attachment trauma is likely resistant to close relationships. They may push people who love them away in an effort to protect themselves from the hurt they have felt in the past.
Healing from Attachment Trauma
So how do you build a secure attachment as an older child or even as an adult? Attachment trauma can lead to extremely volatile and reactive behavior. Learning or relearning to trust in a relationship can require some work on your part. You may need to revisit your relationship with your trauma. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) is a valuable tool in reprocessing and rebuilding your relationship with those traumatic memories. We will discuss EMDR further in a later article.
Develop a Narrative
Reprocessing traumatic attachment memories may be helpful in the form of talk therapy, building a trauma narrative. What exactly happened to you? It is possible you haven’t asked that question and you have never put the full story together. Doing so will allow you to see the events through a different lens which will help you understand it was not your fault and you are now in greater control of relationships.
Regain Control
A key to resolving trauma is our control of the situation. Attachment trauma or trauma, in general, feels completely out of control and a common trauma response is acting out in an effort to gain control. This can occur in normal, seemingly calm situations when trauma is triggered followed by a potentially very intense trauma response. We must work through the cause of that trigger in order to respond more appropriately and learn that we are safe. Trauma responses are the way the body reacts to dangerous situations. They are our body’s way of keeping us safe. So, if we work through the trauma and understand our past memories to explain why we were in an unsafe situation, we can avoid reactive responses to trauma triggers by understanding we are safe.
Get Help
If you or a loved one struggles to build secure attachments, please reach out. There are a variety of therapists available who are capable of helping you understand your situation and build stronger meaningful relationships.
Zachary Duty, CSW
Zach Duty is a native Texan and a graduate of Southern Utah University with a bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Recreation. He went on to complete a master’s in social work at the University of Utah with an emphasis in child welfare. As a therapist, Zach has worked in residential treatment and for the state of Utah through the Division of Juvenile Justice.
If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.
You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or applyto our subsidized therapy program.
Navigating medication for mental health can sometimes be a challenge. Imagine feeling overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety and/or depression. For some, that may not be difficult to imagine because it is your reality. So, how do you handle those feelings? You may find yourself at your primary care doctor’s office to discuss your options. It is possible that this doctor knows you very well and has experience with mental health. The doctor may even advise you to speak with a clinical social worker to further discuss your mental health. Your doctor may prescribe the perfect combination of medication for your needs and it could be life-altering in the most positive way.
Common Challenges
Unfortunately, many experiences are much less positive. What if your doctor doesn’t know you at all and only has 15 minutes to meet with you? The doctor quickly writes a prescription for an anti-depressant and doesn’t give it a second thought. Many individuals take prescribed mental health medications for years with little to no benefit and may be experiencing subtle negative effects. Despite the lack of any positive change, you continue taking the medication as prescribed, simply because the doctor told you to, and doctors know best. Rather than continuing to take a medication that isn’t serving you, take some time to re-evaluate.
Doctors do not want you to be in this scenario of taking a medication that isn’t working. Any doctor would rather you come back to the office and discuss your needs further to manage your medication in a way that better serves you. However, many doctors have difficulty finding time for more than a quick 15-minute appointment and it is possible that your situation cannot be fully expressed in that time period.
Alternative Ways to Get the Right Mental Health Medication
There are other options to address your mental health struggles in regards to medications. There are other professionals that can consult with you on the topic of mental health and prescribe helpful medication. A Psychiatrist is a medical professional who specializes in mental health. Psychiatrists are required to complete medical school just like primary care doctors. They have a deep understanding of medication and mental health issues. Meeting with a psychiatrist is an option for getting a thorough analysis of your needs and being prescribed appropriate medication.
Another option is a Nurse Practitioner. In most states, Nurse Practitioners can prescribe medications and many specialize in mental health. Some therapists consult with Nurse Practitioners and/or Psychiatrists, to help their clients get necessary, life-changing medications.
Even when working with someone who understands your needs and makes their best judgment regarding a medication that could be helpful, sometimes a medication just isn’t the right fit for you. Follow-up appointments are required to determine whether the medication is working or not. It may even be a good idea to consult with family or friends who interact with you regularly to ask if they have noticed any changes in your behavior or mental health while taking a new medication.
Consider All Your Options
The right medication can help you become more balanced throughout your life, but medication isn’t a silver bullet that will fix everything for everyone. One individual may take a medication that works great for their mental health and no further action is needed. Others may need medication and clinical counseling from a therapist. Most still may further benefit from a lifestyle change like a new exercise routine and alteration in diet. There are many ways to become a more healthy individual following a mental health struggle. The medications available to us today are truly miraculous and there are teams of people ready to help you find the necessary balance in your life. Take the time to explore all of your options with a professional rather than accepting the status quo of a quick doctor visit and subsequent prescription.
Zachary Duty, CSW
Zach Duty is a native Texan and a graduate of Southern Utah University with a bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Recreation. He went on to complete a master’s in social work at the University of Utah with an emphasis in child welfare. As a therapist, Zach has worked in residential treatment and for the state of Utah through the Division of Juvenile Justice.
If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.
You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or applyto our subsidized therapy program.
Taking care of yourself during a mental health crisis is just as important as taking care of your physical health.
When I was 7 my brothers and I built a rope swing. We took a couple of test runs and our childhood handiwork seemed to be functional. I was a little nervous to try it out so my older brother decided to give me a tutorial. He showed me where to put my hands so I could hang on, and then he took a swing to show me how safe it was. Well… the swing broke and my brother fell off, breaking his arm.
We sounded the parental alarm and adults were soon at his side. They whisked him away to the hospital where his arm was set by an experienced physician. A week later he went back and the doctors put on a hard cast, which he wore for 6 weeks until his arm was healed. Even after the removal of his hard cast, he was advised to “take it easy,” working back towards normal full use. He fully recovered from the injury and has had no lasting effects of a broken arm.
The system we, as a society, have in place for physical health is fully operational. Anyone who suffers a physical injury knows they can go to a doctor and get the help they need. There is no shaming or stigma attached to visiting a doctor when you are experiencing some form of ailment. So why then are we so hesitant to visit a mental health professional?
Start by Acknowledging Your Mental Health Crisis
I have personally experienced trauma, addiction, and chemical imbalances that have caused real emotional suffering. Yet, for years I was hesitant to visit a therapist. My justification was that I was strong enough to handle my struggles on my own. After finally meeting with a therapist I came to the conclusion that it took more strength to ask for help.
Like physical health, your mental health can be attacked from many different angles. You may get sick with a virus, appearing pale, sweaty, and vomiting. You may break your arm, walking around in a bright-colored cast. You may suffer a concussion, dilated pupils, blurred vision, vomiting, etc. Mental health is similar in variety, but the attacks are less apparent, at least on the surface. Most people won’t know you are struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, etc. You may not even realize the extent of your own ailment. You may simply feel alone and afraid because everyone else seems to be enjoying life with ease while you are fighting for every moment. Without any knowledge of how to handle the pain, you may be looking for a way out.
Get Help with Your Mental Health Crisis
So how do you handle an imbalance of your mental health? When the path isn’t clear and you are suffering, options can seem very limited. Perhaps you feel like you can’t share your struggle because of what others may think about you. Just like you would go see a doctor if you broke your arm, you can visit a therapist for your mental health needs. A good therapist will listen judgment-free and provide you with some guidance on how to proceed.
There are people out there right now who are suffering silently. You may be one of them. You may be in need of something you can do right now to get through this mental health crisis. You may be looking for a way out. First off, if you or a loved one is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number (1-800-273-8255). They are well trained and can provide you with local resources. They may even discuss some of these steps with you.
These are some things you can do right now and moving forward to work through this difficult moment:
Grounding
Stay present in this moment. Is anything hurting you at this moment? Look around you. Notice your feet on the ground, feel your toes in your shoes, notice the wind on your face or the humming of an appliance in the background. These are things constantly going on around us that we may not notice if we aren’t being present. An exercise like this can ground you to the moment. You may experience intrusive thoughts, those are not part of the moment, watch them go by like leaves floating down a stream. Only focus on what is right here and right now. The past is over and the future hasn’t arrived. All there is, is right now.
Take some deep breaths, grounding has a calming effect that
will help you think more clearly.
Anchor Points
There are people who care about you and/or people who need you. Your work isn’t finished and the effect you will have on the world is extraordinary. What do you love? What would you say is your passion? If you can’t answer that, take some time to ponder and try to land on something you absolutely love to do. Who are the people in your life that love you? Don’t say no one. Instead, dig deep and be truthful. When was a time that you didn’t feel like this? Focus on that time and ask yourself what was different. If you are trying to support a loved one, ask lots of open-ended questions. The goal here is to open awareness that there is more in your life than this mental health crisis or pain and things can be different.
Building the Future
Look forward. The future has the potential to be a blank slate. What do you want to do with it? The painful thoughts you are experiencing can go away if you let them, and the future can be completely different. You may feel like nothing is in your control, but that isn’t true. You always have choices. And, depending on how you decide to make those choices, your world could open up to a wonderful variety of choices.
What do you want?
Are you reaching out? Is this a cry for help and support? Do you want/need to make some major life changes because your current life is not manageable? Is your mental health crisis plaguing you and keeping you from seeing the light in the world? What is it you truly want, and is your current course of action getting you what you want? So often our desires don’t match our actions. We may want someone to love, yet we constantly argue and fight against the people around us, who are likely trying to love us. So ask yourself what your deepest desire is and check to make sure your actions are building towards that desire.
Safety Plan
Make a list of things that work and help towards a more balanced and healthy future. Then make a list of things that are not helpful. You could come up with a specific plan, like calling someone specific when you are feeling down. Safety plans are as good as you make them and only work if you’re willing to follow them.
Access to Lethal Means
I always say that avoidance is the lowest level of overcoming a problem, but in many ways, it can also be a good first step. If you don’t want to drink alcohol, it’s probably a good idea to empty the liquor cabinet down the sink and skip the after-work trip to the bar. If you don’t want to end your life in an unstable moment, it is a good idea to get rid of lethal means from your house. Also, if you or a loved one have thought about a specific plan and has the means to carry it out please reach out immediately.
What to Do Post-Mental Health Crisis
Once you’re out of the crisis, you can work towards getting the help you need to stabilize and balance your mental health. This can be done through therapy and medication management. It is difficult, if not impossible to find that balance when you are in crisis. This can be done on your own but works even better with the support of a loved one and mental health professional.
We are working towards shining a more positive light on the very serious need for regular mental health care. Hopefully, it will become a familiar process like setting a broken arm. Unfortunately, a broken arm can’t be set if you never go to the hospital. So, please reach out
By the way, I never ended up taking my turn on that rope swing.
Zachary Duty, CSW
Zach Duty is a native Texan and a graduate of Southern Utah University with a bachelor’s degree in Outdoor Recreation. He went on to complete a master’s in social work at the University of Utah with an emphasis in child welfare. As a therapist, Zach has worked in residential treatment and for the state of Utah through the Division of Juvenile Justice.
If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.
You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or applyto our subsidized therapy program.
