So I’ve all ways felt out of place in life I was never rejected by family or other kids or anything like that I was all ways socially akward and anxious and as I got older it got worse zero self confidence and respect I could pretend to be somewhat normal and have done so all my life I try to seem like a normal 17 year old kid but it’s hard and tiring every interaction with another persone is a chess game in my head no matter how small or minor the interaction is it’s the same and after years of this u get very tiered then a couple years back I started to hate myself why can’t u be normal or fit in why u have to pretend to be normal and not just be now I think I’m a worthless piece of shit in order to fit in I when I was 15 would go to partys and drink because I made me feel good and gave me that confidence but know I’m given up on friends and relationships I’ve isolated my self and even do there’s a lot less stress now I feel weak and pathetic like I can’t be normal so I’ve locked myself from the world like some pathetic peace of shit and the self hate is still here but I’m less stressed but I’m still drinking it’s my coping mechanism now and I only feel great when drunk but do it alone now besides this my family is kinda falling apart has been for 5 years now since parents divorce dad hates mom and they fight for me and brother and if I or him choose one then we betray the other lil bro is young and many choices are forced on him and he feels like he isn’t a real person who can make choices dad’s been hiding a depression since the divorce and I can’t help him because all tho he hates mom he still loves her but she doesn’t love back and divorced him because of it but can bearly make a living with multiple jobs dad’s much bitter about everything but still tries to be a good dad I’m a mess and want to kill myself but I don’t yet because I don’t want to hurt them
